I’ve run into interesting conversations with people where they claim they were horribly guilt-tripped by an acquaintance, which no one likes being guilt-tripped into doing something, or even just made to feel bad for something not their fault. But the funny thing is that after they explained the situation, it was clear to me they weren’t getting guilt-tripped at all, but rather called out on something they were actually guilty of doing and too overwhelmed in their lives to admit it.
It got me to thinking that maybe no one knows the difference between being guilt-tripped and actually being guilty. Or maybe people do know, and claiming to be the victim of guilt-tripping is a way of avoiding feeling shame, or shamed. And it is easier to impose shame on the person calling you out. Either way, relationships and trust can become irreparably damaged because people are in denial of actions they’ve done that have hurt someone, or a project, or whatever it may be.
I personally had a situation with a girlfriend, where I was accused of guilt-tripping her after a message I’d left. On the message, I inquired how she was, wished her boyfriend a happy birthday, and then said I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t heard from them and hoped they were okay, since they hadn’t returned a call from a previous 'hello' message a month earlier. I wasn’t "bitchy" on the message, just wondering what happened. But all of a sudden I’m a guilt-tripper who is inconsiderate of their busy lives. I immediately apologized for something that was interpreted that way on her end, though I still wasn’t quite sure what I said that computed into a guilt-trip. And although she said she had never gotten the previous message I was referring to, she showed no concern that I didn’t know that end of it when I left the supposed guilt-trip message. The fact was that I hadn't heard back from them in over a month, and how was I supposed know?
After all was said and done, her accusation hurt. It was as if she used the guilt-trip term falsely to displace the facts, and reverse the heat of the situation onto me, the person who was genuinely concerned if something happened. It made me question the friendship to where I figured I should step away from it altogether.
Did I unwittingly guilt-trip them? Was my even mentioning the other call not okay, as a friend just commenting it's been a bit since last we spoke? What’s the difference between guilt and a guilt-trip?!?
Guilt, per the American Heritage Dictionary: 1. The fact of being responsible for an offense. The word stems from the old English word, “gylt,” meaning crime. Very interesting that the word "fact" is within its definition, along with the word itself meaning "crime". This means that one should only be feeling guilt if they truly did do something wrong. Being guilt-tripped isn't possible if you know where you stand in your true personal responsibilities.
As for the true guilt-trip, often a frequent activity for some mothers and religious institutions (e.g., Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt), it's essentially a manipulative ploy, an imposed reality orchestrated by another that otherwise has no connection to your life. It's a combination of one trying to impose a set of rules, obligations and fears upon you (sometimes their own personal needs), that are phrased in such a way to make you think these fears/obligations are also your responsibility with which to help. This spawns an internal, self-imposed feeling of potential wrongdoing, or 'crime' by non-action, and thus a bubbly sense of impending disappointment if you don't do what is expected of you – a guilt that isn’t yours to bear. That is a guilt-trip.
To clarify the difference, if something happens at your hands that negatively affects another person, that is the act of being guilty. And if a person happens to point it out, that is not an act of guilt-tripping; it's an act of calling a spade, a spade. However, if someone is pulling a claim out of their ass to make you feel of lesser stature, so as to push you into a position to do something for them, as if you owe them, then that is the act of taking you on a trip.
As far as friendships are concerned, I don't think the immediate payoff to avoid being the bad guy ends up actually paying off. As hard as it is to admit to having wronged another person, as unintentional as it may have been, the repercussions of trying to divert being the bad guy, claiming a person is guilt-tripping them to turn the tables, will last years longer and go far deeper than just apologizing and making amends, for the minutes that would turn into being. Why risk a friendship?
Originally published in In the Scene Magazine. (No longer in circulation.)
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