There, I said it! I so wanted to be that woman of the Gloria Steinem brigade through and through, and stand by my tribe unconditionally, but alas, I can't always do it. Though I know the root cause as to why women turn into "switch hitters" in the middle of the game called work, I must sound the alarm out of pure frustration with my own sex, and even myself sometimes. I definitely believe women have, and continuously bring, higher levels of work capabilities to the job than most men, and are an asset to any job. However, the problem lies in their inability to avoid the gossip pitfalls and JUST DO THE JOB. The personal drama, the mood swings, passive aggressiveness, and the manipulation that is let loose on the job has got to be put in check. The fact of the matter is that more and more I am seeing women do too many things that sabotage their credibility and respectability, and, by default, the other women around them. This is also not to mention the way their behavior has the trickle down effect of making the Sticky Floor a little more stickier, and the Glass Ceiling a little lower to the ground floor and a little more air tight. "Building repairs" that brazen women before us voraciously fought hard to make happen.
This is not to say that men don’t have their own annoying traits that make dealing with them quite a chore. There is the overly aggressive, chauvinistic Type-A personality that can just light you on fire the minute you disagree. Or there is the “hands-on” misogynist perv that can turn your stomach with just a whiff of his cologne. So yes, in all fairness both sexes can cause you to have a twisted day in various ways. What makes women more difficult to deal with is the extent to which they bring their psychological drama, their psychosis, to the forefront. This is going beyond the known consensus that women are tougher on other women in the work force, because they know how much a woman can take. I’m talking about pure psychological ailments that are a detriment to the work environment, and inevitably hinder work performance, and customer relations.
Take the personal drama that can be brought into work such as the boyfriend who appears to be cheating. All would be fine if it were briefly brought up, condolences spoken by all nearby women and men, and then all moved on in their daily duties--but that's not what happens. What happens is that a whole day is devoted to conducting a mock trial where all evidence is submitted with a "Murder She Wrote" flair. The day comes to an end in tears and the resolution to leave the bastard, only to discover the next day she missed a crucial piece of evidence, his alibi, and that it was all her fault. She will never doubt him again….until the following weekend occurs and yet another problem with the boyfriend ensues. Yes, a whole day, maybe even several, can be wrapped around this saga.
Then there are the mood swings. The out of nowhere responses to a simple inquiry that somehow was perceived as said in a harsh manner, or wrongly brought up at all, since the woman in question is so “perfect” at all she does. I know everyone has experienced that moment of thinking Sybil just entered the room, and you have to make quick decisions to diffuse the situation. It can be even worse when you are a woman and attempting to climb the Sybil volcano of the office.
If you are approaching a woman of Sybil-ism, you can’t just ask something in a straightforward business tone to be quick and get on with things. You have to make sure you speak in the “female,” higher-pitched, sweet tone; otherwise, out of no where, your Sybil will ask why you are mad at her, or what is wrong to warrant you to yell at her in such a manner. Literally, because you didn’t speak in an expected “female” way, you are now considered an angry bitch. It’s as if there is this intra-misogyny between women that is like this Loch Ness Monster of the work place. Needless to say, hopscotching around Sybil turns into one more obstacle to deal with in an already busy work day.
Then last, but not least, the manipulation and passive aggressiveness with which women think they are so clever and covert--like they’re James Bond with these verbal gadgets of intricate design. You know the routine, instead of just saying what she would like, you’ll find your Manipulative Mary of the office posing a heartbreaking situation as to why you should do what she wants, or she poses how she is helping you out by you doing what she wants. You fall for it a few times because you were raised to be loving and giving, and do unto others as you’d wish done unto you. But then you start noticing this pattern with her, and start noticing her with this glee about her when she gets what she wants. You watch as she walks away with these devious eyes that look like she just negotiated this million dollar deal when all she did was get you to work a crappier shift than the shift she was taking from you. You get angry at first, because you think she is just plain selfish, but than you start to wonder if she is actually psychologically imbalanced when it happens almost on the daily. Your manipulative Mary may just be a sad case of someone who has such low self-esteem that she thinks she can’t just ask for a favor. She is trapped by her own hate of self, and tries to relive her childhood psychological ailments even now when she is 25, 30, 50, or whatever the age. This scenario is one that you almost can’t even address without a grief counselor on standby. So you can only just play that one by ear.
What about Passive Aggressive Patty? Well, she’s got a similar style to Manipulative Mary, but Patty prefers wearing leather and lace underneath. But make no mistake, this James Bond is out to kill for her country. Passive Aggressive Patty might approach you the same way as Manipulative Mary, but instead of breaking down if she doesn’t get what she wants, Patty has other ways to make you pay for not helping her. You will find Patty can become quite stubborn around you, perhaps gets resentful, which then leads her to being a little Vindictive Vixen. She spins her disappoint-ment from inner self-hate, as Manipulative Mary would do, into an outward blaming of whoever didn’t do her justice. It can get messy getting through your work day when one is spinning so much venom against you for something you may not have even known you did wrong. Your 9-to-5 job somehow turned into Survivor, but without a million dollar prize, and all you can hopefully “win” is your back without a knife in it. When dealing with Passive Aggressive Patty all you can really do is to stay the course. At some point a new covert "assignment" will arise, sweeping both her and her narcissist aggression away from you.
I am sure I have missed a few scenarios because, let’s face it, for each woman there is a beautifully unique, homemade "time bomb" waiting to be unearthed. That said, even though their actions are so difficult and emotionally draining to deal with, I will still fly my Burning Bra for my sisters, because there is a reason these "crazy" behaviors come about and it isn't 100% their fault, much less some mental psychosis. It has to be said that this common trait of "crazy" among a lot of women of having a homemade "time bomb" that is "tucked away" until perceived danger emerges, and the covert, 007 mindset that kicks in, as if they constantly feel they are some secret agent in "enemy territory" among women [and men], didn't just get there. Women weren't just born with these things, like some genetic XX mutation. The truth of the matter is that women look like "cr*zy bi*tches" because of how they have been raised to survive to get ahead within a societal system that literally was created for men by men, with the underlying misogynistic infrastructure of women not being considered of human worth at all beyond biological subjugation.
This system has not changed. The system has been stretched and Jerry-rigged to "build onto" and accommodate others to work within the system, but that doesn't mean the fundamental beliefs that built the system aren't still present to maintain and restore the original system. And women have had to adapt accordingly to survive at each Jerry-rigged chance they can, and no one knows the survival of the fittest better and more inherently than a woman. So, mothers pass down, generation after generation, the tips and tricks that worked for them to get to a higher-valued standing, equal to men. Which, for some women, means they need to be standing on the backs of other women stacked one on top of the other to do it, and "rise" to the top that way. But the traits don't discriminate as to why they were passed down and exactly when to activate them. And the "crazy" we see is often either an inability to play the game of life well and Manipulative Mary happens, or the ability to take no prisoners and play the game Passive Aggressive Patty style so as to not succumb to the alternative. emotionally and/or tangibly in the corporate or relationship setting. Or you will see the "crazy" when a woman is literally exhausted of the fight to prove she's an equal human being.
However, I wrote this article because I am sick of women only adding to the struggle we all have from the minute we wake up as a woman. And we all need to step back and really think about this "crazy bi*tch" thing we all do in a given situation, though increasingly more using day in, day out, that is seriously doing more harm than good. Especially at work, where it's like you are working two jobs simultaneously when dealing with another's issues. I am actually frustrated with my own Achilles heel that comes about from time to time, and cripples my ability to function at an optimal capacity. It is painful to come to terms with being a woman on many days, realizing you are being paid less but doing 50% more than the men making more, or how your beauty doesn't quite match the beauty standards and are even considered even less on that alone.
But with all that is systemically awry, having a job that doesn't double down and create that extra pile of drama exhaustion would be amazing. And some type of acknowledgement and responsibility needs to come about on a larger scale. I am not saying there should be a rigid, non-compassionate work place, but I am advocating women should step out of themselves from time to time, and take a good look at what they are about to put out there for others to bare during working hours. To be more aware of who is a co-worker and who is an actual friend willing to support one’s problems on a long-term basis, and understand that their behavior affects (infests) everyone around them. Simply, each woman needs to take responsibility for her inner-workings and take charge—not the other way around, letting the inner-workings take charge and work her over.
Originally published in In the Scene Magazine
