I was having a beer with a friend of mine and talking about his new relationship. He is a strapping black man, or African American (I’m not sure what's P.C. anymore), and I am a white chick. I bring up colors because the conversation stumbled the color questions: Have you dated the other colors? Is your love contingent on color? How deep can you love, really? We both consider ourselves cultured, non-racist people, but alas an interesting thought fell upon us: When we really thought about settling down with someone we envisioned ourselves with our own kind…just because. We were feeling a bit embarrassed with how our conversation landed us to that conclusion, so we stopped to back-track and investigate since we didn’t want to be THAT …well, you know, that inhibited of a person.
What prompted us to the color question was how this new relationship he was very excited about was with an older black woman—a complete departure from his recently broken off engagement to a younger white woman. He commented on how wonderful it was and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it at that moment as to why. We both have dated many races and agreed that there had to be the same level of intelligence, which usually meant college degree, and there had to be the physical attraction factor, a same value system, a sense of humor was important, and just an overall cultured/worldly sensibility. I then asked if this woman’s age was the edge, as she was about 6 years older then he. He said that it was definitely a nice quality since this woman knew who she was and what she wanted from not just herself, but others as well--meaning dating games weren’t on her agenda like they are for younger women. After all of that, it literally came down to skin color…just because.
Although he enjoyed his ex-fiancé, color aside, he really enjoys this new woman because of this automatic sense of unspoken familiarity and comfortability that is due to her color in combination with the other factors. He then went on to say that although his ex-fiancé was accepted by his family, there would definitely be a different solidarity if he brought home a beautiful black woman to his family. Who knew things would come down to something as basic as what you are used to, although it makes complete sense…we form childhood envisionments that are hard to shake. But is that really it? Deep love is indeed contingent on the color your familiar with?
Maybe for some that is it, since we all search for a comfort in our lover to be the be all of comforts. For us, however, we both came to the final conclusion that there are still many factors that HAVE to be there first and foremost for a connection and love to truly come about. Color really then just becomes icing on the cake, so to speak. We both have also dated enough to know that “Your own kind” is a tricky statement. “Your own kind” could end up being someone of any race, or sexual orientation since it is really all about who “You” are, and the pure fact that you can only love as deep as your soul allows you to love. I personally know deep down that if someone, male or female, with that perfect combination of spirit and connection with me were to walk into my world I would have to follow—even if that meant swinging for the other team. And THAT would be the color of my love--the color of spiritual connection.
Originally published in In the Scene Magazine
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