As I progress in honing my dating skills, I find there is sometimes no point in a second date. The times that I do commence in the “give-the-guy-a-chance” second date, I only really solidify the first thoughts I had, which were actually acquired in the first 15 minutes of the phone call before going on the first date. I have begun to truly realize the large amount of time wasted, or rather, not used wisely, on trying to date someone that doesn’t empirically fit the lifestyle I just spent my whole life growing into.
The times I have dismissed that inner-voice telling me that I’m just not feeling “IT” for this person trying to pursue me; I even squelch that little devil in me that wants to create such a phone tag phenomenon that the pursuer forgets whose turn it is and gives up. All this to venture into a date—maybe even two or three—in order to find that special someone; the suitor of a lifetime…only to come to the conclusion that I should have listened to myself from day one….maybe even before I handed my number out.
When I think of all the people I COULD be meeting if I weren’t trying (hard) to mentally picture being with the person in front of me and talking myself into a date with them thinking, “You never know…” It seems that one tries to rationalize away the notion that the lifestyle differences that already preexist between you and the perspective will somehow mutate into an exciting, everlasting love. Why is it that we try to avoid the pure fact that if the person is say, a chain smoker, then they already have a different mindset than you to even have been led into smoking to begin with, and therefore has an essential mindset that won’t necessarily compute in your world?
On that note, I contend that there is always a sign within oneself, albeit subtle, that tries to save you from yourself. I am not just referring to those tell-tale signs of compatibility such as smoking, I’m also referring to the OTHER subtle signs within yourself that crop up upon immediate interaction, which indeed let you know that something doesn’t quite fit, and no first, second or even third date can rearrange or erase these facts from your subconscious about the person and their lifestyle.
I guess the bottom line is that why fight with that nagging inner-voice? The person may just be the hottest, nicest person ever, but you are sitting through countless dates tolerating conversation that doesn’t work for you. Or trying to make due with a lifestyle choice (that isn’t yours) that you think will begin to suit you somehow. Why not trust that what you want is what you want? It seems to me that we are afraid of ourselves. Moreover, we are afraid of trusting what our body tries to tell us to guide us into what we need and crave. What is odd is that somehow we all seem to equate rejection with loss, as oppose to opportunity. Yes, the glass is either half full or half empty.
I think it is actually selfish to try to date someone whom you already know you DON’T have the vibe. You are holding up life for everyone involved from finding a lasting love, or fling, or whatever any one person is trying to get out of that particular time in their life. All this in mind, I now try to date with the notion that everyone is truly perfect in their own way……but maybe perfect for someone else—nothing personal. Basically, a second date isn’t always needed, and you may not even need the first.
Originally published in In the Scene Magazine